26 February, 2008

Naivety, at times.

At times, I can be idealistic about people and life in general. It still surprises me to know that over half of America's population still does some form of illegal drugs on a regular basis. It shocks me when small children are on TV because they have been kidnapped, or worse. I get so angry watching those animal saving shows on Animal Planet because I just can't believe there are people out there that do that.

I am also naive when it comes to relationships at times. More specifically, I think I have a lot to learn about marriage before I actually get married. In my mind, once you get married, that is it. There is no flirting with other people, there is no "just a kiss" and there is no way you can allow yourself to feel romantic emotions about anyone else.

I do understand that marriage is hard work and that there will be hard times, but I truly believe if you get married to the right person, you can work through that.

But these days, are people just marrying the wrong people? It seems like so many men that I have met or dated over the past few years have been divorced. Some more than once before the age of 30. This still astounds me. Is this just the way it is now? Is the Starter Marriage truly the way it's done these days?

Call me old fashioned, but I want to get married once, and I do not want to ever question that decision.

So what brings this up? Well, my Internet friends, I have a Myspace. I keep it private, and only add people I truly know as friends. I never look around on Myspace and use it like I use Match. It seems wrong to troll around on a public forum only to find one cute guy in your area who is 17. I do not like to feel dirty.

Well apparently, some people do.

Behold a conversation I had with a man, Mike from Rhode Island. Mike found me randomly while looking for women to fuck** who live near his best friend in Georgia.

**Hi, Mom! I know I'm much too pretty to talk like that! Sorry!

From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 8:27 AM

read but no reply? ouch

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 8:48 AM

LOL. You're a go getter, huh?

Two truths about RBNR - I'm at work, and I didn't really think people used Myspace to hit on people who don't even live close.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 8:54 AM

well... i'm different!

How are you?

I'm 40... u?

I'm married... 12 yrs... 3 kids... you?

I'm a pharmaceutical consultant... yourself?


Did I hit on you?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 9:00 AM

You certainly are different!! If you are married for 12 years, why are you emailing random women on Myspace? I'm not being rude asking that, it's a genuine question. I suppose I just assume people email random people here to hit on them.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 9:32 AM

i'm married... not happily married... and I'm bored... so I flirt on line...

jerk huh?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:02 AM

Yeah, pretty much, but at least you're an honest jerk!

How does one become unhappily married? It seems to happen alot, and I don't understand it. This is one reason why I don't want to get married any time soon!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:16 AM

i'm not THAT unhappy... not unhappy enough to leave my kids...

but my wife is a selfish cold lover...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:24 AM

Well you're an honest jerk but a good dad then. :o)

My dad and his first wife got divorced when my oldest brother was 4. He has always said that it turned out better for him because they were both happy parents, and that was better than parents who fought.

So your wife is selfish AND cold? So does she not put out, or she puts out but only cares about her side of the deal?

haha.... I'm asking a total stranger about his sex life. Hope you don't think I'm prying......

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:27 AM

nah... I opened the topic...

we almost never have sex... and when we do, it's all about her...


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:33 AM

Well that is no good. I'm making notes on how to make a marriage last forever, and happily, for when I do get married. Number one is have good sex ALOT. I'm sorry you don't get it much, that would make me unhappy too.

So is your friend in Marietta and unhappliy married guy too? Is that why you come down here alot?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:40 AM

he is... i come down to golf...

do you have a boyfriend?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:49 AM

I am single, currently dating two people. :o)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:54 AM

just saw you pics...GREAT body!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:55 AM


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 10:55 AM

how tall are you?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 11:04 AM

5'11. I love heels though, so usually 6'1 or 6'2,

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 1:20 PM

i thought you were tall...and worth the climb!

135 lbs?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 1:34 PM

haha, a lady never tells. Besides, I have no desire to allow a married man to climb me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 2:03 PM

ok...I'd prefer if you climb on top of me anyway...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 2:05 PM

LOL. There will be no climbing of any sort!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 2:06 PM

that way my hands and mouth are free to explore...lol

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 2:07 PM

Wow, you have a response to everything, huh?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mike
Date: Feb 20, 2008 2:10 PM

was my response bad?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cortuny!!
Date: Feb 20, 2008 2:12 PM


After that, Rhode Island Mike chose not to be my friend anymore. Go Figure.

19 February, 2008

She works hard for her money.

I am signing a contract for an event I'm planning in April. This is the first time I've had to sign off on this clause.

"No male or female genitalia, breasts or buttocks may be exposed at any time."

18 February, 2008

Fun Monday!

Assignment: My drive to work never fails to produce a giggle for me, which inspired this week's Fun Monday Challenge: Take your camera with you as you go about your business and take a picture of the things that make you laugh along the way. I was originally thinking about signs, since that's what usually does it for me, but I left it open to your interpretation.

Host: Sayre

So many things make me laugh on a daily basis. Today I laughed at a picture of a coworkers new puppy, just because he was so itty bitty and cute, and she named him Pierre. I laugh at a sign on the way to work almost every day, and if I can remember, I will take a picture of this sign so you can laugh at it too.

Earlier this week, I laughed at this. That is Atlanta news, at Chateau Elan, just North of the city.

I also laughed at this in the past week, because animals just make me laugh.

But what made me laugh the most is this. Below is the transcript of a drunken IM (that has been cleaned up, so as not to offend anyone) between myself and a friend, after I had gone on a date with The Brit. I have left all the typos in, so you can better imagine the drunkenness. This is me, trying to describe what happened, and the hilarity that ensues:

Friend: ok i am here!
Friend: im being a loser and staying in tongiht
Southern Doll: hahHAHthat was fast
F: no im on downloading music
F: im just invisible
SD: ok, so date was good
SD: no real warning signs, we get along, both jokesters....it was fun
SD: coolr restaurant, he paid, OH MY GOD HE STANDS UP WHEN I GO TO THE BATHROOM
SD: so, we are saying goodbe and he kisses me
SD: the ksis was good....but you know how when a kiss goes from just kissing to making out?
F: ah hahahah yeah

SD: ok, so the kiss makes that switch, and the kiss is still good, but it 's like when that switch happens, all of a sudden his palm starts making out with the back of my head
SD: i'm talking you shouldn't get a tangle that big unless you are doing the missionary nasty
F: you are joking
SD: no!!!
SD: it totally made me start to laugh
SD: and THEN
SD: he was like, oh, i found a spot!
SD: then he started pulling my hair a little bit!!!!
SD: yes!
SD: it was so funny
F: i am dying
F: wow
SD: i was like DAMNIT!!!!
F: that is special
SD: I mean tha date was SO GOOD and the kiss was awesome until then!
F: hee hee i am giggling imagining this
F: ah haha
SD: dude
SD: i am laughing too
F: is there anything you want me to pirate music wise to listen to as we get ready tomorrow?
SD: anythign booty shaking
F: i figure i will need a lot of music and condition so we can get that big tangle out of the back of your head
F: conditioner
SD: uhm, yeah
F: whoa
SD: i have like a bee hive
F: and
F: imagine if you had my hair
SD: I KNOW hahahahaha
SD: it would have been like a bee hive with strings hanging out!
F: omg you are killing me
SD: something goofy like that always happens to me.
SD: it was like out of a movie
F: ah haah
F: i still thnk we need to write a book
F: about silly dating moments
F: really
SD: you know how if you open your eyes at the wrong moment, you see them coming at you int he half kiss, and its so not sexy?
F: i have the voyeur and the cocaine snorter
F: ah hahaha
F: thats funny
F: thats why you dont peek
SD: well i started to think about htat while he wa styling my beehive, then is tarted laughing harder
F: oh no
SD: yeah dude
F: you are as bad as me
F: i would have been laughing so bad
SD: i had to play it off like, OK, I don't want this to go too far *giggle giggle*
F: ah hahahha
F: like
F: you wanted to not have to shave your head tomorrow morning
SD: and i was trying to come up with a cute way of getting out of it
F: its cracking me up
F: you were probably thinking about this while he is making the bee hive
F: instead of just enjoying the free hair styling
SD: oh yeah
SD: like in a 3 minute spamn of time, iw as not only thinking WTF is he doing, iw asl ike, I have to tell you and lindsay about this s**t
F: ah hahahaha
F: i would have been thinking the exact same thing
SD: you know its bad when you start thinking about telling your friends about it during the kiss
F: trust me
F: i know
SD: hahahahahaha
F: like b's snake tongue
SD: ahhhhh1!!!! hahahahahahh
F: he likes to "penetrate" people
SD: oh god
SD: ewwwwww
: while kissing them
F:i would laugh
SD: he penetrates h's STDs
SD: hahahahahahahaha
F: and do the exact same thing....how do i get out of this??
SD: uhm yeah
SD: ugh
SD: man, wnhy did he have to mess up a perfect first date with a beehive
F: H HhHhHhH
F: hee hee
SD: hahaha
F: was it really as bad as you are making it sound
: like the tangle he made was bad??
SD: well, the beehive was only like the last three minutes
SD: but i definitely had to smooth my hair down
SD: it was liek a great kiss until he did that s**t, then had to be all "OH I FOUND A SPOT"
SD: no, f***er, you make me laugh with your F*****G BEEHIVE MOVE
F: ahhhhhhhhhh hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
F: you know
F: if you go out with him again
F: he is going to think you LIKED the beehive move
SD: I know!!!!
SD: ujgh
F: and he is going to keep doing it
SD: hahahahahah
SD: oh good lord
SD: i have to react to soemthign else so he will move on
F: you will have a cronic beehiver
SD: hahahaha
F: yessssss
: free hair stylist
F: ah ahahaha
SD: i akm laghing so hard right now
F: dude
F: i am too
F: i bet my neighbors can hear me
SD: we seriously need to write a book
F: i know!
SD: hahahahaha
F: i could put in my fight with nick at the restaurant over wonderwoman's lasso
F: you get the do me in the butt guy
SD: oh yeah
F: i get the gay x
F: you get the beehiver
SD: i get the gay ex who is convinced he wants to marry me
F: and i get snake tongue
F: oh and tall speechless man
SD: oooh i get dominatrix man
F: ahhhhhhh hahahahahaha
SD: we can tag team the chapter on tall speechless man, because oh wait, MINE CALLED ME YESTERDAY
F: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
SD: we can also tag team a chapter on how to get men to send you dirty pics
F: was there just radio silence on your phone?
F: hee hee
SD: have i told you his actual nick name that i gave him, since all my match men get nicknames?
F: ah hahaah im all about the shared chapters, makes it easier
F: no, what is it?
SD: Darth Joey
SD: he sounds like f******g darth vader on the phone
F: ahhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahah
SD: its like he runs while talking'
F: no way
F: omg
SD: oh yeah
F: really
SD: sometimes i can't really hear him
F: because of his breathing?
SD: and this was was The Brit, but he's so Beehive no
F: yeah he is beehive
F: hands down
SD: for sure
SD: lol
F: i am watchng footloose
SD: they have beehives1
F: and i think i want to make out with kevin bacon
SD: lol
SD: make sure his hands stay below the neck
F: dude
F: i want his hands all over me
F: ah haahha
: beehive and all? you sure about that?
SD: hahahaahah
F: kevin bacon
F: will not make me hve a beehive
SD: he doens't look like that now, you know
F: well
F: that ok
SD: hahahaha
SD: he's probably goooooooddddd
F: because he can DANCE
F: goood
SD: yeah
SD: ahhhhh i bet beehive is gooooood hahahah
SD: float like a butterfly, sting like a BEEEEEEE
F: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
F: hahahahah
F: do you think he would really be good?
SD: who knows
F: your whole body would be a beehive
SD: tha actual kiss part was good
SD: it was the hand thing that weirded me out
F: hee hee
F: well
F: maybe next time
F: you could like try to hold his hands or something
F: like start kissing and then push him into a wall or something and RESTRAIN THE BEEHIVE MAKERS
SD: hahahahahahahahahah
: lllol
F: you could never make out with beehive before going out!
F: or else you need to start carrying a hairbrush
SD: lol
SD: cross eye called me while i was on my date
F: uhm how is that
F: who i mean
F: dude kevin bacon just meat up this dude
F: beat
SD: another match dude, he has a picture on there where he's using his camera on his pone ot take apicture in a mirror, and hes looking at the phone so he looks like he has a cross eye
F: ah hahaha this is so cheesy 80s
F: ah hahaha
F: oh no
F: crosseye
SD: but we'v been talking on google IM all week, he seems really cool
F: i am so busting out some of these moves in vegas
SD: hahahah the totally played i will always love you at this restaurant, i wanted to sing it karaoke style
SD: ahhhh ok i need to go to bed so i can function at the river tomorrow
F: ok
SD: ok
: see you at ten, beehive mama
SD: hahahah i might still ahvve a beehive
F: oh, and brush your hair before tomorrow
SD: hahahahahahahaha
: i cant run with a beehive
F: ah ahahha
SD: hehehehehe
SD: ok goodnight snake tongue
F: goodnight BeeHiver

And there you have it. A night in the life of the Southern Doll.

14 February, 2008


Happy Valentine's day everyone!!

Since this is such a romantic day, I'll update everyone on the comedy that is my dating life lately.

CB: If you remember, Cocky Bastard. He is still in the picture, however now without any benefits, as he describes himself as "In A Relationship." With someone half his age, I might add.

BabyFace: He informed me that he was going to spend 12 days in Mexico with his ex-girlfriends family. I informed him that that was hella weird, and Buh Bye.

Big Tooth: I haven't written about him, I don't think. He was kind of eh, and one front tooth was bigger than the other. However, he did take me to the Chocolate Bar. MMMmmmmm

Darth Joey: This one occurred just the other night. He breathes so heavy on the phone that I can hardly understand him. Most Boring. Date. Ever. This will be the one who ends up really liking me. UPDATE: Darth Joey called. Of course.

On-Deck we have Cross Eye, The Brit (I'm sure I can come up with something better than that...) and The Chiro.

So, we shall see, wish me luck!

10 February, 2008

Fun Monday!

I LOVE this week's Fun Monday. Maybe it's because....well, who doesn't love music? Or maybe it's because it's an easy one for me. But I think this one was a great idea. Ooh, a shiny pen is the host this week, and here's her assignment:

Music plays a vital role in most of our lives. It is everywhere.
I want to hear the ONE song that is you. The song that whenever it is heard, you smile. I am not looking for the soundtrack of your life, just that one song. Your friends hear it and think of you. You can post the video, the lyrics, the wav file. However you want to post it is great.

When I first read this assignment, I knew there was only one song that has ever made me smile every time I hear it. I never get tired of it, and I won't ever.

I will caveat this by saying that I loved this song well before the movie came out in 1990. Well, not too well before, because I was nine at that time. But I remember wanting to see that movie so bad, because it had my song. My. Song.

When I was little, I heard this song for the first time on a country station, in the car with my dad. I told him that I loved it, and that it was mine. He said "Yes, it is yours, and it always will be, because you are MY Pretty Woman." I think that was the first time I can remember thinking that I had, by far, the best dad ever. This fact remains true.

So, my song is Pretty Woman, Roy Orbison version.

06 February, 2008

On Boating

Back when I first started this blog, I listed a few things that I would talk about. One being "Do Me In The Butt Guy." I kept meaning to post that story, because it is one of my better ones, but I get sidetracked easily.

But today! Today I have nothing exciting going on, so I will tell you all the story of the man who asked me to do him in the butt.

A little over a year ago, my friend Kelly asked me to go with her on a spontaneous trip to Greenville, South Carolina to see an artist she loved play. Not having anything going on that weekend, I agreed. So off we went to see Will Hoge play at The Handlebar.

While there, Kelly and I notice a very cute young man taking photos of the show with a professional camera. Tall man? Hot. Tall and cute? Hotter. Tall, cute and talented with a camera? Hottest. So, not being a timid one, I scoot over close to him and watch over his shoulder as he flips through his pictures. He looks up, smiles, and I ask if I can see which is his favorite. Thus begins the flirting. Score!

So the night moves on, we exchange numbers and go our separate ways. He sends me a text, and tells me I'm the cutest thing he has seen, and would like to see more of me. He lives in Charleston.

Over the next month or so, we talk on the phone almost every night. It is fun, flirtatious, and the more he speaks, the hotter he gets. He is creative, an artist, takes AMAZING photos, sweet, smart, AND......he lives on a boat. Holy. Crap. I'm swooned.

One weekend, we decide that it is time for me to take a trip to Charleston. He sails and has a race and wants me to join him. So I drive the 5 hours from Atlanta to Charleston. I arrive on Friday night and spend a very romantic weekend sailing, roaming the streets of Charleston, admiring the architecture, and...well, "Sailing." It was a great weekend.

Fast forward about two weeks. It is late in the evening and we are talking on the phone.

DMITBG: "So, do you have any fantasies?"
SD: "Yeah, of course, who doesn't?"
DMITBG: "True. So, what are they?"
SD: coyly "I don't know you well enough for that."
DMITBG: "Oh come on, tell me."
SD: "I'll tell you if you tell me."
DMITBG: "OK. But I don't want to freak you out."

At this point, I'm not thinking anything weird is going to happen. I'm thinking he's going to say something typical or predictable, like him and two girls.

SD: "Trust me. I've heard it all. I don't get freaked out."
DMITBG: "OK. Well, I've always wanted to know what it feels like for a woman."
SD: "Um. What sex feels like a woman?"
DMITBG: "Yeah, that vulnerability, giving someone control over your body like that."
SD: nervous laugh "Ha Ha....well.....too bad it's not something you can really find out. Ha Ha."
DMITBG: "Well, I can come close, with your help."
SD: "Uhhhh....haha.....uhhhh"
DMITBG: "Would you wear a strap on and f*** me in the a**?"

Insert long, awkward silence here.

SD: "Uhhhh...ahhhh...weeeehhhhhhlllll...uhhhahhhhhh......"
SD: "I do not own a strap on."
DMITBG: "No worries. I'll bring it."

The resulting conversation was really me just being a scientist, asking if he had done it (No, but he had had a vibrator up there), if others girls were willing (again vibrator...it wasn't his), if he thought it would hurt, etc. You can imagine the questions that pop into your head when one asks you to sodomize him.

Since then, I have received numerous requests to visit or be visited, so DMITBG can live out this fantasy. I have no intention of helping him with this.

HOWEVER, this story has caused me to acquire a new nickname among my friends: Captain.

** I apologize to anyone who likes to be, or wants to be sodomized. I think no less of you. It's just outside of my realm.

04 February, 2008

Fun Monday!

I love, love, love this week's Fun Monday!This week was hosted by Tiggerlane, and she wanted to know what's in our Bucket Lists. As in last week's post, i have a whole journal dedicated to my Bucket List, and it changes on a weekly basis. I add and amend things, and also cross some off as I accomplish them! So here are a few items out of my Bucket Book, in no particular order:

1. Meet and marry my best friend and soul mate. This is an obvious number one for single people, and as most of my content is about the trials and tribulations of looking for that person, it should come as no surprise. This always has and always will be number one!

2. Plant an herb and vegetable garden. I've always thought this would be a fun and relaxing activity, then I would get to cook my own produce. It's funny, but I see myself accomplishing this later in life, after my children are grown.

3. Ride in a helicopter. Over somewhere scenic, like Hawaii or Paris at night.

4. Learn to play the piano, and play it well.

5. Go to the Four Corners and stand in four states at one time.

6. Ride a horse through the countryside. I've only ever been on horses in those cheesy, tour guided trail rides. I want to do the real deal.

7. Visit the Greek Isles.

8. Go to an Elton John concert.

9. Purchase a home on my own, before I get married.

10. Take a mission trip to Africa.

11. Learn web design and coding.

12. Meet "Its Dave V." This is a guy I used to talk to on AIM when I first got it. I was 16. He was 22 and lived in California. We have spent hours and hours talking online and even some on the phone, but we have never met in person. We haven't talked in a few years, so I'm not sure if he still lives in the same place, but one day I would like to have coffee with him. His name is David Pearson, and last I knew of, he lived in Whittier, CA. :o)

13. See my University of Georgia Bulldogs win the national title.

So there are some, in no particular order. I keep my Bucket List by my bed so I can read it every night and remind myself of what all I have left to do in life!

Also - I have already accomplished some! Here are a few:

1. Visit the island that Madonna wrote "La Isla Bonita" about. I spent 8 days on the Ambergris Caye. I love Belize, I love the island, the culture, the food and everything there. However, 5 days is probably enough.

2. Visit the ancient ruins in Rome, Italy. Rome is fabulous. You can walk down th street and be in a modern five star restaurant, turn the corner and be staring at the Coliseum.

3. Come clean about Miguel. I moved in eighth grade. Before my move, I was shy, nerdy and didn't have too many friends. I had a few very good ones, but not a wide group of friends. I decided that when I moved, I would be somebody else. Someone confident and cool. So, upon meeting a group of girls who are still very close friends of mine to this day, I made up a story about a guy named Miguel who I had dated. In my 13 year old mine, "experienced" equated to "cool." I told my friends that Miguel and I had dated, kissed and at one point had licked chocolate syrup off of me when my parents weren't home. Oh, the things a 13 year old thinks are cool. At any rate, I earned the nickname "Cocoa" among my friends because of that story. The truth was, Miguel was a guy that I worked with at the zoo, he was older and I had a crush. That was all. I held on to so much guilt about this lie, because it became a part of me and my new identity. Finally, at age 25, I realized that my friendship with these girls was much deeper, and much stronger, than some silly story I made up as a kid. So one night over drinks, the story came up and I told them the truth. They were shocked, but thought it was hysterical. In all reality, it was no big deal to them, but to me, it was like a weight was lifted off. I knew then that we would be friends always.

4. Graduate college. While I come from a fairly affluent family and consider both of my parents to be very successful and smart, there aren't many college degrees floating around in my family. I wanted one so bad, I wanted to be one of the few who did it, and in May of 2004, I did. My degree hangs framed in my office to this day.

I feel like I am making headway on my bucket List, but I do hope it never becomes empty. My goal is to always have something to look forward to, to always have something to get excited about, and to always have that little journal to cross things off of.