For me, the holidays are always a time of recovery. At the end of each year, I take stock of what my life was like versus what I wanted it to be, and whether that outcome is good or not, I take the last two weeks of the year to come to terms with myself and just let it be.
I hang out with my parents and my brothers. I laugh with family. I anticipate our Christmas Eve dinner. I recover.
And it works. This system works for me, gets me excited for a new year, new changes, new ideas and maybe, one day, a new me. Not that I need or want a new me, but I am always open to just being new.
For me, this year has been the most introspective year. In the past, I have always had the attitude of "it is what it is, and I'll make the best of it." But this year, age 26, I found myself questioning decisions, past and present and trying to figure out why. Why am I this way or that way, why am I stubborn, why am I scared? I don't think I have the answer to everything yet, but I think I've found a way to change what needs to be changed. I need to let go. I need to let people see the soft and vulnerable side of me. I need to love and let people love me. I love that I am strong and independent, but I don't want that to be all I am. I need to be more well rounded, and I think that will be my resolution this New Year's. I will let go. I will let people in. I will trust people other than myself.
I last posted about seeing The BreakUp for the first time since we broke up. I had time to think about it, and I probably will some more. But after some alone time, time with family and recovery over the holidays, and after talking to the Best Friend about their little dinner date, I came to the conclusion that I don't think he needs to be in my life. I don't want him there. For one, I don't agree with some decisions he has made in the past, and according to Best Friend, decisions he is still making. To me, he has become less of a person. He is no longer the man I used to be so close to, the man I thought I could love, the man who had a strong character. He says he is happy now, and I am glad for that. I do wish him happiness, and I want him to have a good life. I just don't think either of us are the same people, so I'm ready to let it go.
I have a tendency to hold on to people. Former relationships, bad friendships, people that bring your life down. It's not that these people are bad people, maybe we just aren't meant to be in each other's lives. Maybe we just don't fit well together and when we try to, we end up breaking each other more than necessary. So I need to learn to let people go, too.
All in all, I'm ok. I have a much clearer vision of who I am and want to be. I know the people who do fit into my life and I can't wait to meet new people who fit there, too. I truly have a great (and growing) family. I love them! I have amazing friends.
And, I have a plan to make 2008 "The Year I Let Go....And Start to Really Live!"
So, in an effort to let go of pointless fears, here are some pictures of the Southern Doll herself. Enjoy! :o)
And definitely one of my better moments, on Christmas Eve with my mommy. Her face has been deleted, to protect the innocent, you know.