20 December, 2007

Wow.

I just saw The BreakUp for the first time since I broke up with him. Almost a year ago. We've been through more since our breakup than before, which is a long story that I'm not in the mindset to tell right now. I don't know what to say here, I was thrown for a loop. I didn't know he was coming until about 30 minutes before he showed up to pick up my roomie. So, I started cleaning, which is what I do when I don't know how to handle things. I was literally, standing in the closet when he got here. I had to take a deep breath and force myself to go out and hug him. Like always, I faked nonchalance like a champ. I hugged, smiled, small talked and then said bye. No Big Deal. Right?

Wrong.

And I don't know why. Well, I do, I guess but I don't know how to fix that about me. I know I never loved him as more than a dear friend. I know I am not attracted to him in a romantic way. He has made some decisions lately that I do not agree with, and because he made them, I lost some respect for him. I know these things are true, so why did my stomach flip when I heard his voice in my home?

When I break up with someone, whether or not I do it or he, I feel the need to prove myself better. I have to get hotter, move on faster, date someone faster, get laid faster, fall in love faster. I know in my heart that this comes from a need to build back up my self esteem and prove myself. Prove to myself that yes, you can fall in love and someone will fall in love with you, and it will last forever. What I don't know is how to fix that. How do you just make it go away and be confident and complete in yourself?

My thoughts are so scattered right now, I need some time to compile them. Over the past few days I have been working on posts about the woes of dating, but now it all seems to petty. All of a sudden, I realized that I had bigger issues to fix, bigger worries to come to terms with. I need to get away, I think, be alone with my thoughts and come to terms wit myself, where I am now and where I want to be.

Why do your twenties have to be so hard?

0 comments: