05 December, 2007

Putting It Out There.

So I have seen Babyface twice now, and we have talked on the phone everyday since we met. On our last date, we watched Monday Night Football at my house and ordered pizza. he held my hand, we chatted all night, he left in time for me to get to bed and still get my six hours of sleep. For all intents and purposes, things are going well.

So why did I start to freak out today?

I met Babyface via my Internet Dating Service of Choice. Today, I was checking my email on the site and I noticed that he was "online now." Ugh. Now, I know we've only known each other for a few weeks, and I know that we are not anything serious, but just seeing that he was on there looking at other women made me a little sad. It made all those little insecurities that I hide away from everyone come out.

Am I boring him?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Is he only hanging out with me until something better comes along?

There is a side of me that is brave, confident and knows that any man would be lucky to have me. I am smart, beautiful, easy to get along with, confident and I know what I want out of life. Then there is a side of me that is still a chubby, nerdy little girl with not many friends. That side of me questions myself, and in the past, it was this ugly side that when it would rear its head, I would push men away. Instead of staying the fun, carefree, confident me, I would turn into the clingy girlfriend who questioned everything.

And here I am again, starting to question things. Which I know is ridiculous, that is the difference. now i can stop myself, override the insecurity. Fake it! But the question is, how do I make it go away? How do I stop it from happening? Does it happen to everyone? Or when you meet The One, does it not happen??

I wish I knew the answer. I suppose for now, all I can do is be confident, believe in myself and let the cards fall where they may.

And the truth is - I am ready. It may not be Babyface, it may not be with the one after Babyface, but I'm ready! I'm ready to not worry, to not wonder, and to feel 100% confident in myself and I'm ready to just be with someone, and be comfortable.

Edit: Not 5 minutes after hitting "Publish Post," I get a text from Babyface asking me how my night was going. Maybe when you actually put yourself out there, you admit your weaknesses, God or The Universe rewards you. :o)

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