27 November, 2007

Oh, kids.

Amidst the craziness of 10 four year olds and two adults, one child who needs a Kleenex desperately, one who wants to light-saber everyone near him and another who WANTS TO PLAY DODGEBALL!!! PLEASE, DODGEBALL!! PLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!

Jake, who is 4: "You guys sure are lucky you have me, because I'm so well behaved."

24 November, 2007

Quote of the Day

Overheard yesterday, while watching the LSU/Arkansas game:

"Dick had to come out."

Seriously, I do not know how the announcer said it without laughing. Also, I am 12.

23 November, 2007

Giving Thanks

I'm a day late, but I was having such a great day yesterday that I didn't want to get on the computer for any amount of time and miss the family and food greatness that is Thanksgiving. The holidays really hit home for me just how lucky I am. It makes me realize that I am a jerk for ever feeling sorry for myself or my "plight in life" or my "eternal singleness." Give me a break! I am so blessed. I have an amazing, loving family and amazing, loving friends. I have nothing to ever be sad about. So, here's my Top 5 things I am thankful for.

1. I have a huge, sometimes crazy, Southern family, and we all get along. We actually love each other, have fun together and look forward to the crazy, hectic holidays together. I hear so many stories of how hard the holidays are for families - split families, divorced families, families that don't get along. But yesterday we all hugged, sat around stuffing ourselves, catching up, drinking red wine and talking about how old we feel because the kids are getting so big. We watched the little ones stand on the stairs and sing "Jesus Loves Me" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and then cheered and clapped like it was the most amazing accomplishment ever. We felt babies move in bellies and laughed at the old ones drinking Crown Royal. It was four hours of happiness and warmth and comfort. I would give any of them a kidney or a liver, if they needed it, and I really think they would do the same for me.

2. I have three girlfriends from high school. We were all pretty inseparable then. We went to college, one in Tennessee, one in Missouri, and myself and another stayed close to home. We grew apart, did our own things, one even lived in China for three years. We weren't always great at keeping in touch, but when we did, it was like nothing changed. You can't break that kind of bond, one that is made out of sheer will to believe in our friendship and make it work. Now we have all made our way back home, and we made a commitment to have dinner together once a month. It is incredible. I love that day out of the month. Yesterday morning, one of these girls ran a marathon. Myself and another of us decided to surprise her about halfway through. We caught up with her at the 17 mile mark and stood on the side of the road with signs, cheering her on. She had just run 17 miles, but the look on her face was pure joy and surprise that we would do that for her. I am so grateful for those girls.

3. I am thankful for the years that go by. Every year, I feel like I get closer and closer to myself, to being the me I want to be, and being that me around everyone I meet. I used to feel like I had to change who I was according to who I was around, that I had to be cooler or funnier or better. The older I get, the less I feel that way, and I am so glad.

4. I am thankful that I have found a church that I can finally, finally, feel comfortable in. It is a place that is welcoming, open, and friendly, and I want to go. I want to be there, and work there, and I want to do better in life so the people there will be proud of me. It is truly genuine, and I thank God every day for creating that environment.

5. My job is amazing. I genuinely like it. I work for a group of people who believe in doing the right thing, treating the employees and customers the right way and putting family and faith first. They listen to me, help me in a career path, and help me grow. Being that it is my first job out of college, I am extremely lucky to be where I am. I am not in a cube farm, churning out work for a 1/2% raise a year, I am not working for a hellish boss who only wants me to make more coffee and I am not working at a giant corporation where my voice can't be heard. The place I work and the people I work for are quite the opposite of all of that. I am lucky!

So there you have it, that is my life's Big Five. I have a smile today, and when I start to feel bad for myself again, I will read this post and kick my own ass for being silly.

(Editor's Note - I am also thankful for Downy Lavender & Vanilla laundry detergent and dryer sheets. That stuff smells like heaven and there is nothing better than getting in clean sheets that smell that yummy. Seriously, it is expensive, but oh so worth it.)

21 November, 2007

Normalcy!

I hear trumpets! Victory bells! Huge sighs of relief from Mother Nature. I am reassured, and I once again believe that it can be!

Last night - I went on a date. A good one. With.....A NORMAL MAN.

No monkies! No pink panties under his bed! No requests involving strap on extras (Oh, Internet, I have yet to share that story...)!!

Now, the actual date was comedic - we went to see a lyrical artist called Aesop Rock. We were by far the oldest and most sober people there. And that is saying something because I am only 26, and was drinking Stella. The first two artists were techno-funk DJs who stood on stage and spun with weird movies playing in the background - the kind of thing that would make you eat your hair if you were on drugs. So I was told, anyway, I've never done a drug. And the kids in this place were dancing like they had odd twitches in their extremities. One girl actually was a hobbit, I think. But, it made for excellent people watching and conversation.

So the date was fun, and the guy was surprisingly normal. I did not think he would be, I actually went in thinking he wouldn't be my type. I thought he was going to be the metro sexual typical "Gym Guy", but he surprised me. Which was nice.

The kiss at the end of the night was nice, too.

So the Southern Doll is happy, and once again believes that there is hope for normalcy.

20 November, 2007

Normalcy

Last night I was having my first phone conversation with a new guy from Internet Dating Service of Choice. We'll call him Ross. Ross is nice enough, but a little awkward and makes the occasional inappropriate joke, for a first conversation.

Me: Well, it didn't work out for us, but he was nice enough.
Ross: Man, you just throw guys away, huh?
Me: No, I just wasn't attracted to him.
Ross: Poor dude.
Me: Well, I can give you his MySpace name, if you want to be his friend. You know, if you are feeling sorry for him.
Ross: Uhm, no thanks, I don't eat sausage.

Really? Did he really say that? He did, but I can chalk that up to nerves and the awkwardness of the first call. Right? So we continue on with the conversation. We're talking about my kitty and pets in general and I ask him if he has any.

Me: So, do you have pets.
Ross: Yeah, I do.
Me: So.....what do you have?
Ross: It's not normal. Not many people have what I have.

(Side note - it is never good to hear a man say that. RED. FLAG.)

Me: Well, are you going to tell me, or do I have to guess?
Ross: I'll give you three guesses. If you don't guess it, you have to come to my house to find out.
Me, thinking: Ha! This guy thinks he is being coy and tricking me into a date.
Me: Fine. A Ferret?
Ross: No!
Me: A Chinchilla?
Ross: Nooooo!
Me: A monkey? My mom had monkeys when she was little. But like the kind that are illegal now, you could mail order them back in the 60s.
Ross: *snickers*
Me: So you have a monkey.
Ross: Yes, I have monkeys.
Me: You have more than one?
Ross: Eight.
Me: You have eight monkeys.
Ross: Yes. They have a room they live in. And no, I do not spank my monkeys.
Me: That thought had not even crossed my mind.

See? My life really is a sitcom.


11 November, 2007

Dirty Laundry

So a few days ago I introduced Mr. Walgreen to The Internet. He and I met via my Internet Dating Service of Choice about 3 months ago. We have been dating casually since then, talking on the phone once during the week and a date on the weekend. At first I was pretty turned off by his job, and by his seeming lack of interest in growing up for a man his age. He was just a dude, at a job he didn't call a career, watching football and making it happen. But, I kept him around because he was fun. My only gripe was that he was kind of a last minute planner. Like, would wait until Thursday to make a date. I am planner, people! I plan! I usually know what I'm doing on the weekend by like Tuesday. Call me OCD if you like, but it's part of my charm. :o)

About three weeks ago, he mentioned he was looking for a new job, a Real Job. Big Boy Job. Yay! AND he called on a SUNDAY and planned for a weekend date! Things were looking up, and Mr. W was growing on me. Even though my cat was trying to tell me something by cock blocking me. Whatever.

Well.

Move ahead to last night. My friend had two extra tickets to a hockey game. She asked if I wanted to double date. I say yes, and Mr. W can go. Great! Fun! Double Date! So, we go, watch football, our team WINS so all is good and we go to the hockey game. I don't know much about hockey but games are large fun. So it was good times and me and Mr. W head back to his place. He invites me in, and we are tired so he invites me to stay there. I do, since he is much closer to my church, which I have to go to int he morning. So, all is good, we change and go to bed.

Let me add that the whole night was very G-Rated. Which I thought was unusual, since the last time we went out it was not G-Rated, even though my kitty never let it get X-Rated. But, I wrote it off as being tired. We cuddled a little, and chatted, then went to sleep.

Morning rolls around, and he has to leave for work before I have to leave for church. So he tells me I can stay, no big deal, and he leaves. Being the Southern Doll, I decide it's polite to make the bed before I go. So, I do.

I'm tucking in the sheets on "my side" and I notice something funny on the floor. Not under the bed, just kind of on the side. So, I pick it up, with a wrinkle in my forehead. What is it?

A pair of pink cotton underwear. Full butts. Victoria's Secret Body By Victoria, actually. Size large.

NOT MINE.

Wow, this is gross. What do I do? I'm confused. Confusion is quickly turning into anger. I text my best girlfriends asking what to do. But before they can respond I have decided.

I make the bed (very nicely), place the pillows, turn the covers down. And place the pink panties right in the middle. My only regret is not taking a picture of it.

So it's about 10:40 PM now. He hasn't called, texted, acknowledged it in any way. I doubt he will, because from my experience, men are Avoiders. I do wish he would, though, because I would LOVE to hear his explanation. And have the chance to tell him what a douche he is that he can't even clean up after his hoe. ha!

I am SO SO happy that I did not sleep with him. I guess God and my cat really do have my back!

04 November, 2007

Cock Blocked....By My Cat!

So, it's been a while for me.....like since July. I have not been boinked since July. There, I said it. I have been trying to be really good! And I've done really good! But now I need to get boinked. Badly.

So, I've been seeing Mr. WalGreen's for a couple months now...casually. He calls once a week, we hang out, have dinner, a few drinks....normal dating routine. I have spent the night at his house once, it was pretty G-rated.

So last night he comes over, we are watching football, I lose (another) bet and now owe him dinner AND dessert. Things are going lovely, we're having fun, drinking some red wine....good times. We decide it's time for bed.

Things are getting hot and heavy. It's nice! He's a great kisser, and while he seems like he wants me to make the first move, he's fun. It's going well. So I make the first move. It works. In my head, I'm thinking "Thank God! I'm going to get laid!" Then, conversation ensues.

Mr. WalGreen: "Uhm, I think your cat just jumped on the bed."
SD: "She did? I didn't notice."
Mr. W: "Yeah....uhm....she's on my foot."
SD: "Well, kick her off the bed. It's fine."
Mr. W: "......"

So here I make a move to find the cat and shoo her off my bed so we can get on with the getting on. Mission Accomplished.

Mr. W: "Uhm. I lost it. I'm sorry."
SD: "What?"
Mr. W: "Yeah...the cat thing.....I know you're pissed. I can't help it."

And he rolls over and passes out. WOW. I am so lucky. Cock Blocked by my cat. Who knew that could happen??

01 November, 2007

When will it end?

I work for a very good company. I love my job. A few months ago, the man who created my position left the company, and while I learned so much from him and he is responsible for me loving what I do, things have gotten so much better since he left. I now split my time 50/50 between two bosses. Both are great to work for, if I do what is expected of me, and I do it well, they are happy. So I do, it is a win-win situation, we trust each other and it all works out great.

Usually.

Three weeks ago, Boss #2 and I were making the final arrangements for Big Event of the Year. Tensions were high, we were probably being ugly to each other. I know I was not being flexible. I do this when I'm stressed. Just leave me alone and let me do my job, I'll get it done. Hello, Great Wall of Back Off, I'm Good at What I Do. So, Boss #2 wants to have a Principal's Dinner at a nice restaurant here in town. Conversation ensues:

Southern Doll: "I've made the reservations for 14."
Boss #2: "14? I only count 13....."
SD, listing through all the Principals: "....and you and me."
2: "Oh. Well, I think it would be best if you sat this one out."
SD: " OK....can I ask why?"
2: "Because you are a woman."

Imagine the transition....we go from normal conversation, working out logistics to my eyes turning red and steam coming from my ears.

SD: "You are serious. Do you realize how unfair that is?"
2, in a whiny voice, giving me a pleading look: "Its the boys club. You understand."

Nothing made me madder than his assumption that I would be a-ok with being left out BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH A VAGINA. No, sir.

SD: "No, 2, I do not understand. I will not understand. It is not fair and I am not ok with it. I won't be."

And in the meantime, can I get you more coffee and warm your socks? Because that is what my vagina is telling me I need to do.